It’s scan week!
Scanxiety is here in force! No matter how many times I get these things done, they do not get any easier! This will be my 4th scan since getting the all clear in October 2017 and all going well this will be my last CT. Once these scans all come back clear they will then move me onto X Ray monitoring going forward. Less frequent and also less of a rigmarole! Woohoo!!!
It’s always the same the week coming up to a scan and the results! I feel pains I haven’t felt before, I am super conscious about how tired I am and for a moment my head rushes back to that life changing day when I was diagnosed. I imagine hearing those words again and honest to god, I don’t know if I could do it all over again. It terrifies me, probably even more than hearing it the first time did. I think because I know what would be coming and the battle I would have to face but I don’t let myself stay in that negative place for long though because 1. It’s pointless because there is nothing I can do about it, if something is there it’s there, whether I worry or not. And 2. I have been feeling grand up until this week and the pattern is the same as my last few scans so logic tells me all is going to be OK!!! But even still, I have a constant knot in my stomach until I hear those fateful words from Prof. Crown …”Everything still looks good, no changes”
In the past I have also gotten angry around this time and I haven’t been able to push it away but I have to say, this time I’m not feeling angry. I’m feeling hopeful that this is my last scan and in the words of the doctors, I am out of the woods!! The nerves are still there but I think that’s only natural. In the past I was getting angry because I had to do this, because this is what this rotten disease had brought me to. Living 6 months by 6 months, scan to scan and it annoyed me so much. But now I really feel I am coming out the other side of it. I’m learning so much about myself and what I can and can’t do and I try not let those things anger me anymore. A work in progress, but progress all the same. This is me, like it or not, this is the way life is now and do you know what, I am happy to have the chance to live this life I’m living, doing the things I enjoy with the people I love.
So scan this Thursday, 1st August and results next Wednesday, 7th August. Then off to Box Burger for our ritual celebration of positive results!!! I’ll keep you guys updated next week when the results are in.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again FU Clyde!!!